


Cursed

by livsoulsecrets



Series: Loving you is a losing game [1]
Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M, Light Angst, Self-Esteem Issues, Unrequited Love, fairstairs, matdelia, mentions of drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 10:08:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24848071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livsoulsecrets/pseuds/livsoulsecrets
Summary: "Cordelia came into his life and burnt everything down. He found himself wanting her, longing for her presence. Every part of his soul claimed for her."
Relationships: Cordelia Carstairs/Matthew Fairchild
Series: Loving you is a losing game [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1846753
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	Cursed

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my first time writing for The Last Hours, hope I did okay! In this story, Matthew is very aware of Cordelia's feelings for James and how that affects him. Enjoy!

Matthew felt numb. 

He was used to it by now, but, this time, the numbness wasn’t caused by the flask he carried in his coat. It was a mix of jealousy and anger and pain. 

Matthew was holding on to the chair so strongly that his knuckles were white. Cordelia was smiling at James. She always was. Even if she claimed it was only in order to make everyone believe she loved James, Matthew could feel she wasn’t completely faking it. Cordelia loved James who loved Gracie who loved nobody. Their lives were like a tragic Shakespeare novel, which Matthew could have appreciated if he wasn’t so deeply tangled in the middle of it, if he didn’t feel... 

God, what is it that he feels, again? Should it be called love? After what he had done, what he had destroyed, was he even deserving of loving somebody? Loving Cordelia, of all people? 

He knew he loved James. And his parents, despite all the pain he caused them. He loved Christopher and Thomas and Lucie. He didn’t know how it was possible for someone as damaged and broken as him to feel so deeply, but it was. They made it possible. He thought of them as the only people that could break through the wall he built between him and the world, the punishment he gave himself to purge his faults even if his crime was unpardonable. 

But Cordelia came into his life and burnt everything down. He found himself wanting her, longing for her presence. Every part of his soul claimed for her. 

Matthew loved Cordelia. 

He shouldn’t: he was the last person in the world that deserved her love. Still, that somehow made him love her even more. 

He didn’t know when he had started feeling this way about her, but Matthew knew exactly when he realized it. 

The day he took her home and told her about the green carnation. He remembered the soft touch of her fingertip against his chest, the surprised look on her face when he revealed himself to her, the fear that made his insides turn. Cordelia smiled at him and said anyone he loved would be dear to her as well. It caused him such a pain that he had to support his weight against the wall, closing his eyes for the briefest second. They were both soaking wet, cold all over, but he still felt warm standing so close to her. That is when he realized how much she trusted him. It was both a blessing and a curse. She was so hopeful, so sure there was more to him than he showed. It killed Matthew to know how wrong she was. 

Cordelia looked his way, smiling kindly at him over her shoulder, her attention dragged away from James for some seconds to focus on him. 

He smiled back at her, despite how his heart broke all over again at the sight of her hand resting in James’ arm. She drifted back to her conversation with Lucie and James in the next second and he fell back into the chair. The flask made a familiar pressure against his chest, almost as if it was calling for him. Not here, he thought, not where she can see you. 

Matthew got up and crossed the ballroom quickly. Nobody noticed him leaving, not even James. The thought hurt more than he expected it to. 

Once he was finally outside, he opened the flask and allowed the familiar taste to wash over his senses, resting his head against the wall while he closed his eyes for some seconds. The wind was strong that night and the sky was full of stars. If he was a different person, the person he used to be, Matthew would have thought it to be a beautiful night. Now, all nights seemed to be the same: a painful reminder of what he had done, of who he had become. 

He wondered if he could make up some excuse in order to leave the party sooner. Tessa and Will would be a bit disappointed to see him go away from their wedding anniversary’s party, but they would understand if he lied well enough. And the Angel knew he was the best at that. 

— Are you hiding from us? — Matthew opened his eyes, caught by surprise. 

Cordelia was standing in front of him, her eyes flickering from the flask in his hand back to his eyes. He put it back in his suit and stared at her. Her red hair fell perfectly around her, the dark blue dress making her shine especially bright that night. The Angel was really trying Matthew today. 

— Never. I just found better company. — He smiled his most charming smile, but Cordelia just rolled her eyes at him. She was almost always immune to his distraction strategies. 

— Oh, I hope Tessa and Will don’t hear about that. — She rests against the wall, closer to Matthew. So close her hair tingles his arm. So close Matthew feels himself sober up a little because of the way his heart races desperately. 

— That is not important... Why are you fleeing the party? 

— I’m not fleeing. — Cordelia pauses, thinking about what to say next. — I’m just a bit tired. It is exhausting to pretend this engagement is real, that we are going to be together for the rest of our lives. I feel like a fraud. 

Matthew knew everything about that feeling, which made his heart hurt with the thought of how much pain Cordelia was bearing. 

— You are anything but a fraud, Cordelia. You are formidable. And brave. And willing to do whatever is necessary to be the hero you are destined to be. If that includes pretending for a year that you and James are in love, then, be it. Think of this as a step that must be taken to ensure nothing gets in the way of the history you are bound to make. Maybe it will lift some weight off your shoulders. 

— Matthew, I- 

She paused, staring at him with surprise, her lips parted while he smiled at her, just waiting for her to find the words. 

— Thank you, I believe that is just what I needed to hear. 

— Anything for you. — Cordelia shook her head, assuming he was joking now. He wasn’t. 

— Do you really think so highly of me? What you just said- 

— Of course, I do. I meant every word I said. — She finally smiled back, her whole face changing with the act. She was more beautiful than ever in the moonlight, the wind making a mess of her carefully brushed hair. 

— When I first met you, I thought it would be safer to stay away, make sure you wouldn’t- Well... 

— Seduce you? — The idea was so absurd Cordelia laughed at it. 

— Yes. I know, it is insane. That is what everybody said about you. But, then, I got to actually know you. How fiercely you love. How you see the world as more than just dust and shadows. It is so different from everything the others see. I’m just really grateful you let me in, even if a little bit. You once said that you never thought our group needed an addition until I came along. I also never thought I needed anyone other than James and Lucie as my friends, but I couldn’t be more wrong. You were the missing piece. Anna, Thomas, Christopher, too. But especially you. 

— Cordelia... I don’t deserve the way you think of me. — Forcing those words out of his lips took all of Matthew’s strength. He felt as if his legs were falling him, as if the weight of Cordelia’s faith in him was pushing him down. There was no way he wouldn’t let her down, sooner or later. Still, he hoped against hope that he wouldn’t. 

— I don’t care if you think so. I know what I know, Matthew. — Cordelia stated, her chin held high. — If I am no fraud, then, you are no sinner. 

She was so tremendously wrong it hurt Matthew to hear, but he still nodded her way, forcing a smile. 

— I can accept that, I suppose. — They were silent after that, the two of them looking up at the sky together, nothing else in the world coming to their minds for some precious seconds. 

Then, against every cell in his body, Matthew turned to Cordelia and blurted out the words he had been fighting against this whole time: 

— Just promise me you won’t let him break your heart. — He didn’t have to explain who he was talking about, Cordelia knew it perfectly well. While she looked at him in surprise, he realized that, even if he wasn’t one to beg for anything, he found himself willing to beg for that. 

— That is beyond me. At this point, I believe it is only a matter of time. — Cordelia answered, a sad smile resting on her lips. She stays in silent for a moment before fixing her dress. She gets away from the wall and stands in front of Matthew once again. — But, let’s not talk about such things tonight! It is supposed to be a celebration. Come back inside with me, will you? 

Matthew wants to say “no”. If anybody else were asking, he would have said so. But that was Cordelia. 

— As you wish. — He complied, following her inside. 

He didn’t miss the irony of that exchange: he asked Cordelia to protect her own heart from James and she told him it was too late for that. What she didn’t know was that she was holding Matthew’s whole heart in her hands, shattering it, piece by piece, every passing day. 

She was destroying him and he was letting her... Because it was too late for him as well. 

Matthew had been many things in his lifetime: an innocent, a sinner, a fraud, a monster. Still, that night, walking by Cordelia’s side while she went back to James’ arms, was the only time he ever felt cursed.


End file.
